Thursday, February 18, 2010

On UPS Drivers (Or, The New Stewardesses and Mailmen)

Tanned skin, sexy smiles, lean legs, and such excellent service providers. Those of my parents’ generation might think I was describing airline stewardesses, who were always associated with glamour, sex appeal, and great service in the sky. But as their titles have changed to flight attendants to reflect a more politically correct climate, I dare to propose that their place in American culture has been usurped by those drivers of the brown trucks, in their matching brown collared shirts and coordinated brown shorts. Yes, I am talking about those UPS guys.

The other day, I was looking at a photo of my friend’s son. “He looks nothing like his father,” I commented.

My friend agreed.

“Are you sure your husband is the father?” I teased.

“Well, my baby looks nothing like the mailman,” my friend responded.

“Ah,” I jumped in, “but does he look like the UPS driver?”

She laughed, seeming to share my belief that not only have those hard-working drivers surpassed flight attendants in sex appeal, but perhaps they have also replaced mailmen in their infamy as the cure for the housewife blues.

Before I go any further, I must say that I have never been a victim of such blues, or browns. Nor am I implying that UPS drivers, any more so than other drivers, are busy sleeping with their package recipients.

I also recognize that there are surely female UPS drivers out there, though I haven’t seen any, but I am focusing here on the men because, well, just because it’s fun to be a bit sexist from time to time.

I’ve always noticed, on a subtle level, that UPS drivers seemed to be more handsome than their FedEx counterparts, which makes no statement whatsoever about either carrier’s ability to deliver their goods. But the discrepancy became more blatant to me the other day while sitting at a red light of a major intersection. As I approached my red light, I couldn’t help notice the plethora of UPS trucks. As I drove past one and then another (eventually I counted six, no kidding!), I peeked into the front cabin to see if my theory of the sexy drivers could be proven, rather unscientifically, I realize.

I was not disappointed.

One truck after the other was occupied by a driver so attractive that not even the poop-brown uniform could dull those shiny boys. I wondered what brown could do for me as I drove slowly, appreciating the beauty being presented literally on display. I momentarily questioned UPS’s hiring practices but then turned my thoughts to God. Thank you, I whispered, for creating such beauty on this planet.

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, Wendy is nothing more than a middle-aged woman fawning over young men in uniform.

Well, let me tell you that I am no such clichĂ©. I’ve been told that the 40s are the new 20s, which means I am not middle-aged. As for the men in uniform argument, okay, maybe I have a thing for brown. It is a power color, isn’t it?

What really matters here is that whether or not UPS openly hires based on physical attractiveness (which I would never be able to prove, nor is it a legal battle I would tackle), it’s simply nice to know that the next time I order something over the Internet or am due to receive birthday gifts from around the country, I can look forward to having my package – no sexual pun intended – delivered with the utmost care and with a sexy service-with-a-smile driver.

As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go shopping online right now.

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