Thursday, June 24, 2010

On Swimsuit Shopping (Or, Guess! what I didn't buy)

Ask most women what the two most heinous errands they might have to run are and most will agree they are shopping for jeans and shopping for swimsuits. For the moment, I'm good on jeans. In fact, I recently cut sugar out of my diet (for a variety of reasons) and have since lost 8 pounds, which means I can wear my skinny jeans again! All you women out there know that I'm not talking about the trendy today-fashion of skinny jeans. No. You know better. So for all the men out there, I'll explain that a girl's skinny jeans are the ones she bought at her thinnest but usually can't wear. They sit in her closet awaiting the brief escape from her normal eating habits when she can finally get back into them. It ususally only lasts a few weeks, but hey...if it happens, it's a thrill. And when she jumps off the wagon, those skinny jeans will remain in the closet for an eternity, serving as a motivational icon of what could be.

Anyway, you would think that if I can fit into my skinny jeans, I'd have no problems going swimsuit shopping, which was my actual task at hand this morning since I am leaving this evening to spend a few days with my friend Jen at her beach condo on the coast. Being the non-snob that I am, I started at Target, planning on hopping over to Walmart if I did not divide and conquer at Target.

I tried on five suits of varying style. With each suit, I looked in the mirror at my 5'-6", 125-pound frame and thought, How can I look this bad? I looked around the dressing room stall for the special lights that focus directly on the derrier to accentuate the cheeks that hang out from the swimsuit bottom, but I could not find them. So I looked for the magic mirrors that capture the image of a relatively flat stomach and then alter it to include waves, dimples, and small rolls. But I couldn't find those either.

I imagined the women (Lord, I hope they're women!) watching me through their security cameras as they laugh and shout, "Now, while she's got her back turned, full power fluorescent lighting to make her skin look sallow against the print of that suit!" *cheers among the crowd* "Well done, ladies. From the expression on her face, she obviously thinks she's a fat pig. That'll teach that skinny bitch to go swimsuit shopping with pride."

They obviously don't work on commission.

After failing miserably at Target, I decided to simply cross the road and go into my local mall and give Macy's a go. Walmart was so far away, plus I had lots of Macy's coupons in my car. Decision justified.

In Macy's I tried on another five suits. But since this is Macy's and not Target, I decided they have more advanced technology in their dressing rooms. They must have mirrors that can capture my image, alter it with some Photoshop-type program, and reflect it back to me with the 8 pounds I've just lost plus an additional 10, for good measure. Need I say that I walked out of that dressing room with no potential purchase in hand and the strong urge for a shot of Tequila? And I hate Tequila!

Here's a trick mirror that works in reverse. The stores definitely don't have one of these.

I walked through Macy's with a heavy heart (and apparently a much heavier behind than I'd envisioned) and was making my way to the exit when I spotted the absolutely cutest blouse in the whole wide world. I may not know my own butt, but I sure know what makes my chest look good, and this blouse was the goods. I quickly tried it on in the dressing room of a different department (where such trickster mirrors are not necessary...unless you're trying on jeans) and was thrilled to see that I was right. Yay, I was right about what would look good on me. *audible sigh of relief followed by the harsh realization that I should not be walking out of Macy's with anything but a swimsuit*

Ignoring my inner voice of reason (sorry, hubby, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do), I paid for the Guess! brand blouse, got my 25% discount, and left Macy's with a big smile on my face. As for how I'll feel about wearing a black blouse instead of a bathing suit while baking in the sun with Jen, can't say just yet. But maybe after a shot or two of Tequila, I won't give a damn.


  1. Groan - I hate buying a swimsuit, which is why I can't fathom why I spend half my summer at a lake and the rest of my life wishing I lived in Hawaii. I suspect I'd have no trouble finding a parka.

  2. I don't mean this as gloating or whatever, but I have to admit that us guys did end up with the better end of the stick in that regard.

    (Your fair gender was blessed with: common sense, significantly better physical appearance -- even though you don't always see it like we do -- and multiple o's.)

    I mean, swimsuit shopping for me entails going up to a rack, checking that the suit is medium-sized and/or has a drawstring (also, color and price are briefly considered), and then taking it to the register. Easy peasy.

    I will now duck, so as to both hide from any wrath and avoid objects thrown my way...

  3. Dawn~ LOL

    J.M.~ No need to duck. You are completely right. Whenever people/women say that God is female, I laugh and think, "That bitch must have one sick sense of humor."

  4. Oh, Wendy--You are so funny! I wish I weighed 125...heck...I'd take 145! I am away from my scales for the next few weeks...I have no idea what will happen. I have a feeling it will be good, as I am happier than I have been in the past two years...I'm not on a beach, but at our cabin on a beautiful lake in the Ozark Mountains...Life is good...even if my swimsuits aren't quite what I'd like them to be. :) Have fun on your trip!

  5. Oh I hear you. I like the tankini style, but they seem to be making the tops shorter and shorter each year. I finally found one in the Lands End catalog that looks promising, I'm awaiting its arrival, fingers crossed.

  6. Oh no- it’s that time of the year again! I really hate buying (and wearing for that matter) swimsuits! That picture cracked me up :)

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  8. I can't believe stores haven't figured out to add better lighting and skinny mirrors in the dressing rooms. I would soooooo drop big cash for the perception of looking good in a bikini. And there are no mirrors on the beach to contradict!

    Missed you!