Wednesday, February 29, 2012

On Letting Go

I've recently had a revelation about myself: I won't let go.

I'm not talking about holding grudges or obsessing over nonsense. I'm talking about my past and the people who played major roles in helping me become who I am today.

When I discovered Facebook eons ago, I secretly dubbed the site "Pastbook" because that's what I spent the first months doing...digging up names from my past and reuniting with them. It was a non-stop joyride for me to bring back those who had mattered so much but whom I had been forced to let go. Not anymore. Of course, most of those initial reunions turned into nothing more than a new "friend" whose status I could check at my whim, and that was enough for me.

I'm wise enough to know that some people were acquaintances in my life and that it's okay to let them go. But the storymakers of my past hold more value than that. I've been fortunate to still have my dearest friends from childhood in my life today because even though I've grown so much, these girls were my foundation; to let them go would be like resting the house of my soul on a sinkhole and hoping it won't disappear.

At the time of my revelation, however, I couldn't stop thinking about one amazing friend who was missing from my adult life, and I missed him terribly. We lost touch many years ago for some of the typical reasons - inconvenient geography, different phases of life, a wife threatened by our friendship. But he wasn't just a boy I once knew who I could file alongside the others who had paved the way to my relationship with my husband. No, this boy had always been my friend, my buddy, my prom date, my confidante, and never my lover. He was truly my friend. And I was angry that we'd lost touch.

Since our falling out of touch, I have tried to contact him many times via email, Facebook, and voice mail, but he never responds. Then over a year ago, I heard through the grapevine that he had lymphoma, and my heart broke. I was warned that he'd become less social during this period and so I didn't even try to contact him but instead kept contact with those who knew of his treatment and progress. And progress he did. He is now cancer-free, so I've heard.

Then recently, I almost bumped into him. I say almost because apparently we were at the same fundraising event but at different times. Since then, I can't get him off my mind. When I think about how many crucial moments of adolescence we shared, I feel empty not knowing what is in his heart today.

I know this is one of those true friendships that must stay in the past because it takes two to make a friendship last, but I won't accept it gracefully. He was integral to who I was then, and whether he knows it or not, that has made me a better friend today. I refuse to forget him.

Do you have any friends from your youth who you would you never let go? If so, feel free to honor them here. My list includes:
Suzanne, Jennifer, Lisa, Benay, Martha, Karen, Andrea, Kathleen, Rachel, and of course...Shane

8 comments:

  1. I hear you. Sometimes friendships of the past are meant to stay in the past, but it's in our nature to think things like, "what if?" and "where are they now?"

    For me, my old friend Stacee comes to mind. She and I had countless hilarious conversations, but then we lost touch when we both went away to separate colleges. I tried contacting her online multiple times, but she never returned my messages. I guess we were only meant to be friends for a certain period of time.

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    1. Does Stacee live in your town or anywhere where you can bump into her? For me, Shane is always on the periphery of my social world, so I hear about him and have a hard time accepting we're not friends anymore. But I'm afraid you're right. The past must sometimes remain just that.

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  2. It's interesting how friends come and go, through different stages of life. I've had friends that have meant so much at certain times, and then life separated us as life moved us in different directions. But still I value all of them, for whatever time I did have with them.

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    1. And I do value Shane. I just want him to know it.

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  3. I love Facebook stalking. It feeds my crazy without requiring me to really deal with it...

    I don't think of any of these people as my friends though.

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  4. Wendy - your writing is beautiful and your words ring to true that it is hard to comment without sounding cliche. The depth of your person is so evident in your words that whenever I read I feel a loss that we were not closer during those growing up years. So, you are a person of my present that I would not let go willingly ... without your words and wisdom my days would be missing something. Thank you for being a writer.

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    1. Wow. I suppose I could say the same for you, that I wish I had known you better since you are obviously a sensitive person who appreciates a deep spirit. Thanks for being my fan. (have you downloaded Snapshot yet? ;)

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    2. It is on my Kindle ... all I have to do is start reading!

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